I've been in hermit mode for a few weeks. I've withdrawn from everything and just about everyone. Life has seasons where I am busy and enthusiastic, vibrant and lively. Earlier this year I was busy writing my book and getting it finished. Winter into autumn is a highly creative time for me. When summer ends I'm excited to share what I've been creating.
Then the weather cools down and so do I. Leaves fall off the trees. When autumn comes, I back away inwardly and outwardly. I find myself in hermit mode, needing to be alone to reflect and renew. The leaves in my back yard are slowly rotting away. I find myself feeling like I am rotting, too. I'm backing away and turning into a quiet hermit.
It used to distress me when this happened. I wanted to force myself to be social, and outgoing, when in reality I'm an introvert at heart. I wanted to force myself into creating and panicked when I felt withdrawn and uncreative.
The truth is, I'm not blocked creatively. I'm resting and creating compost inside. Things will grow and bloom again, if I honor my need to back away. Right now I am in hermit mode. I'm quietly studying Japanese, and reading many books on my iPad. I'm spending eight to ten hours alone in silence every day. I'm giving myself the space I need to renew, and giving myself permission to embrace being in hermit mode.
Hermit mode used to scare me. Now I recognize it for what it is: my way of letting go of what was, and making space for something new.
I'm looking forward to sharing my cello and advocacy next year. I can hear music waiting to be composed in the rustle of leaves under my feet. I am thinking of things I want to say on stage, and how I want to express them. However, after sharing music and performances, I'll find myself in hermit mode again next autumn.
Grow, create, give life, wither, and die back, is the natural cycle on earth. I'm finding it to be the natural cycle for me as well. The trees are letting go of their leaves in my backyard. Now is a good time to gently let go of what was, and make space for what will be.