
Then there is the other side of me. The part of me that stays in bed all day Tuesday. The chemo made me throw up last week. Usually my anti-nausea meds keep that from happening, but not this time. Throwing up from chemotherapy isn't like being drunk. It's more like being drunk, while having a stomach virus, in rough seas on the SS Chemo. After I got back in bed, tears ran down my face. I said, "I can't do this anymore."
My fighting spirit says, "Yes I can! I can do this. I've done this for 16 years. Of course I can make it 16 more." But, there is a point where a fighting spirit meets stronger forces. Even a champion heavyweight boxer can't stay in the ring indefinitely. MG has beat the crap out of me for 16 years. I am becoming increasingly aware that I can't take chemo every week for the next 16 years. Another 832 more chemo days is more than I can imagine. It's more than anyone should expect me to do.
And yet...
Medical science keeps advancing. I look at XPU and my Dexcom and imagine a day when my pump and my CGM talk to one another. One day the artificial pancreas will stop being an experiment. New and improved insulins will be discovered. I believe there is hope for my diabetes. Because MG is rare I have less hope, but maybe someone will figure out a new treatment for MG. Something less toxic, less painful, and less overwhelming than what I am doing now. Will it happen? I don't know. I do know if I give up now I'll never find out.
So on this anniversary instead of promising myself I can face down 16 more years with MG and diabetes, I am promising I can deal with it for now. I did not survive the past 16 years to give up now. I have music to compose and performances to plan. I have a book to finish. I have things I want to do. I have love to give and receive. I have fragile health and a strong will to thrive nonetheless. Sixteen years ago I could not have imagined what my life is like today. Perhaps sixteen years from now I will look back on today and be so damn glad I didn't give up. Right now I am glad I didn't give up back in 1997.
Chemo days have been rough lately. If you could keep me in your thoughts on Tuesdays I would appreciate it. I can't deal with this alone. Thanks to you I don't have to, and that matters.
Tuesdays: I'm on it.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you, Marie.
Thank you.
DeleteYou are such a warrior, Marie. I so appreciate you.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on making it to 16.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You only need to take one day at a time. They add up by themselves.
I'm reading this on a Tuesday and I just said a little prayer for you that your treatment goes okay. Congratulations on making it through the past 16 years with such a gritty, inspiring attitude! I hope it becomes easier in before 2029......
ReplyDelete--Caroline (a latent cellist)