Saturday, March 30, 2013

Bicycle Dreams

It's spring. My daughter got her bicycle out of the garage. It's a green Manhattan Smoothie. Steve put air in the tires and Miss Evelyn took off down the street. Inspired, Steve got his bicycle out of the garage. It's a Ryan Vanguard recumbent.

I...

I looked at my bicycle buried in the corner of the garage. I thought about digging it out. I thought about how good it would feel to hop on my bike and go for a ride. Feel the wind in my hair. And then I remembered I traded my bike for Myasthenia gravis. A favorite part of my life remains buried in the garage.

Meanwhile, my family gets to ride their bicycles and I get to watch. And wish. And remember. And cry inside where no one sees. I got in the car and drove away. I drove past a pack of people riding bicycles single file along the side of the road. Tears filled my eyes. I turned the corner and went down another road.

On the radio, the Song Bicycle Race by Queen came on. "I want to ride my bicycle..."

I turned it off. The lyrics remained in my mind.

I want
to ride
my
Bicycle...

What I want does not matter. Myasthenia gravis has forced me to take what I do not want and give up what I do want. My bike was stolen by a thief who cannot be prosecuted and cannot be forced to pay restitution. I cannot get my bike back. No matter how much I want it back. And I do want it back.

I want
to ride
my
bicycle.

I still have a bicycle. I keep it in the garage. It's buried behind an old wagon, garden tools and empty boxes. I can see my bike, but I can't get to it, just like I can see myself riding it, but can't do it. I can't get the idea through my head that I will never be able to ride it again. I keep my bike. It's a dream I have. One day. Some day. I'll get on my bike and ride for miles and miles with the wind in my hair. One day. Some day.

Then reality slams into me harder than an invisible car. I fall head first out of my dream into a reality I don't want and never chose.

I want
to ride
my
Bicycle.

But, I'm going to push my walker down the street instead.

"Hey, Grandma, aren't you a little young for that thing?" I'll hear from someone speeding past me on their bicycle.

Maybe I'll just stay home.

I want
to ride
my
bicycle.

I got an invitation to attend Tour de Cure. It's a fundraiser for American Diabetes Association.

"Tour de Cure is more than just a cycling event. It's a life-changing event. A day full of fun and excitement where riders of all levels join forces in the fight to Stop Diabetes® and raise critical funds for diabetes research, education and advocacy in support of the American Diabetes Association."

I want
to ride
my
bicycle

Every spring it's the same. Every spring I am confronted with the loneliness of a body that doesn't move. I am confronted by bicycles everywhere I look. And now I get invited to a bicycle event that I can't participate in.

Well, even though you can't ride in Tour de Cure, you can still help out. You can pass out drinks. You can give out shirts. You can...

Do everything except what you want? Is that supposed to make me feel better? It doesn't. Today I am sad. Today I am frustrated. Today I am aware of loss. Today I am bitter. Today I feel like being left alone.

I want
to
ride
my
*Sigh.*

3 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, Marie. That sucks.

    I love you, and am sending you all sorts of hugs and warm vibes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. Maybe I'll save my money in a jar and get a power assist bike. I think having an electric/human hybrid bike would mean a lot to me. Then I really could ride my bicycle. They are 2000.00 Maybe I can save enough to buy one. That would make me much happier. I am tired of being sad every spring. Thanks for the hugs. I needed them tonight.

      Delete
  2. Sorry to hear you're feeling down at the moment. Illness is a very frustrating thing.

    An electric bike does sound like a good idea. Perhaps a recumbent electric bike would be best...if such a thing exists.

    ReplyDelete

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