I’ve enjoyed blogging so much and I’m grateful to everyone who has visited. I need to confess something I haven’t been brave enough to tell anyone. My conscience is bothering me. Sometimes it’s easier to say the truth when I type, so here goes.
I’ve been having an affair throughout my entire marriage. There. I said it. I’m sorry if you think less of me now. It’s with someone I’ve known since I was a child, many years before I met my husband. I fell in love with him in junior high. We had a stormy relationship throughout high school. We lost touch during college and rekindled our relationship right after I was married. He left me for a time, but this morning we connected again and it was magic. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until he came back. I don’t ever want to lose my lover again. I know I’m married, but… I love him so much. I cannot imagine life without him.
I think about him constantly, to the point of being distracted when I’m with my husband. When Steve takes his dog to the dog park, and Evelyn is out with her friends, my lover and I meet in my back bedroom. Sometimes, we meet late at night after Steve goes to work and Evelyn is sleeping. I’m careful not to wake Evelyn when I greet him. He calls to me and I must answer. I can’t help myself. I think Steve suspects, but he hasn’t said anything outright. I’m trying to be subtle and careful, but it’s only a matter of time before Steve finds out about my lover. It must be obvious. I can’t hide my desire for him.
My passion for my first love is a consuming fire. I long to touch him and hold him. His smell is intoxicating. I love to put my nose on the base of his neck and breathe in the scent of him. Remembering that is making me dizzy with longing. I love how he looks, the deep color of his body. The smoothness I feel under my fingers when I touch him. I love to put my arms around him and hold him close. I love the weight of him against my chest. He is so gentle, never leaning too hard against me.
Sitting here now, I’m remembering two hours ago when we were together. Caressing his neck, the feel of his body vibrating between my legs. The sound of his voice, so rich and warm. It’s grown deeper over the years, but I still love the sound of it. I cannot imagine my life not hearing him. His voice is music to my ears. This evening, our contact was intense. I rocked my body against his as we moved together in perfect rhythm. Then we rested. I put my arm around his chest and leaned my cheek on his shoulder. I was breathless with joy to be with him again. Even when we’re silent together I’m contented.
Steve almost caught us. I was with my lover when I heard the front door close unexpectedly. My husband came home from work early! I had my hand on my lover’s bare back. We quickly parted. I got lucky that time. I’ve been careful, but it’s getting harder. I don’t want to hurt Steve, but I can’t hide my obsession. I really don’t know what to do about this, and I hope you’re not mad at me. Even though this must be upsetting, I want to tell you more about my lover...
We met in Chicago. I was 11. The first time I put my hand on his neck, I fell in love. I knew we could make music together, and we have. In many places both in private and in public. We have made love in my back bedroom, in my backyard, in my parents music room, in churches, and in orchestras. When I stroke my lover’s strings with my bow, my heart leaps for joy. I confess, my lover’s name is Sir Barclay the Cello. I am so happy he is with me once more.
You didn’t actually think my lover was a man did you?!?
P.S. Steve helped me write this.