Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Going in Circles?

This made me sad. I went to the grocery store this afternoon and the route took me near Paula's house. I broke down in tears as I thought about how she died searching the house for her little boy. I switch from feeling sad to angry and back to sad. It's easy to feel like I am trapped and just going in circles. Grief is like that for me, whirling around in seemingly endless circles.

A lesson I learned after my mother died was that grief does whirl me in circles, but that doesn't mean something is wrong. I'm not spinning around going no where. I am spiraling my way forward. All of that whirling has a purpose. It's leading me forward toward a more peaceful place.

I'm spiraling my way out of depression right now. Even though it feels like I'm going in circles, I'm not. I'm moving forward in a spiral. That is comforting me lately.

I'm still facing writer's block during my daily writing time. I am keeping my journal and keeping my daily commitment to try and write something. What I end up writing is compost and that is frustrating me. I need to remember that I am spiraling my way out of writer's block. Every day leads me forward.

So many things block creative flow. One thing that releases it is giving myself permission to be lost and allow myself the freedom to spiral my way out. Lately I am so full of different feelings, thoughts and input that I haven't been able to grow hungry for writing. My mind is full. There is no room for writing. I'm picturing myself dropping the extra baggage down the stair well. I don't have to take this stuff with me. All I have to do is trust that there is an end to the spiral. I need to keep on moving forward toward a more peaceful place.

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