I have some fears. What if I can't learn how to use my pump? What if it's too complicated? What if my insurance company says, "Oops, we made a mistake. We meant to send that pump to the OTHER Marie Smith. So sorry for any inconvenience. Can you mail that back by Friday?" What if the insertion hurts like crazy? What if I can't sleep with it on? What if the tube drives me crazy? What if...
What if I get the pump, learn how to use it and it makes my life better? What if it helps me deal with my diabetes better? What if I do well?
I am aware that I need more insulin in the wee hours when dawn phenomenon gets going. I hate waking up and seeing my blood sugar is 167. Waking up, giving myself a shot and falling back to sleep every morning would never work. However my pump can wake up, give me insulin while I sleep. I'm looking forward to that.
I'm looking forward to losing weight instead of gaining it. Right now I have to round up to the nearest whole number so I end up giving myself more insulin than I need. With a 1/10 insulin to carb ratio, 24 grams of carbs is covered by 2.4 units of insulin, not 3. I've had to give myself an extra unit here and there all day long. That adds up to more insulin than I need, which leads to resistance, which leads to weight gain. If I stick to my meal plan and keep my carb counts low I can use less insulin at every meal. 2.4 units coming right up. Cool.
This is cool. Wait. No, it's not. I am absolutely terrified. I am absolutely elated. I'm a yo yo of emotions and I haven't even touched my pump yet. I feel like I did when I was waiting for my Dexcom, only I'd used a Dexcom before so I knew what to expect. I don't know what to expect. I just know I'm looking forward to the change.
Wait. No I'm not. Change is scary. Change is awesome. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm waiting and my heart is beating like this...
Breathe Marie. Just, breathe.