I don't know if I do anything spectacularly. When it comes to living with diabetes I do what I have to do: test before and after meals, exercise as much as MG will let me, and eat right 80% of the time. Do I do these things spectacularly? Not really. I just do them because I have to. What I think I do spectacularly is maintain my sense of self in the middle of a life-storm. I do not let diabetes, or MG, decide how I feel about my life. They don't change my goals or who I am on the inside.
On the outside illnesses have marked me. I've got a seven inch scar running through my chest. Cancer left that behind. I've got eyelids that fall down, a mouth that doesn't always smile, weak arms and legs from MG. I move my body in lurching ways. I've got a Dexcom sensor glued to my left shoulder and an insulin pump set taped to my right side. My fingers have tiny holes in them. My body has been physically altered by cancer, MG, and diabetes. However, who I am, what makes me me, has not been damaged. It has been revealed.
Having cancer, MG and diabetes have taught me clearly who I am and who I am not. I know where my strengths are and where I am weak. I've learned to respect where I am weak and protect it with fierceness if necessary. I have learned to fall down hard and come up anyway. I have learned where to look for joy and how to celebrate finding it.
Over the years people have told me I'm good at turning life's lemons into lemonade. They are wrong. I'm not good at it. I refuse to turn life's lemons into lemonade. When life gives you lemons you have lemons. You lack the sweetness required to create lemonade. That is the entire reason why life's lemons hurt so badly. This phrase has never made any sense to me. Besides, if you drink lemonade the entire focus is on the lemon flavor. Is my life only flavored by cancer, MG, and diabetes? Or is my life more complex and more interesting than just this?
Instead of making lemonade I have learned to make tea. Tea is flavored by lemons, but tea is far more complex then lemonade. There are bitter flavors, sweet flavors, sour flavors, savory ones all blended together into a single cup of tea. I am horrible at making lemonade out of life's lemons but I am spectacular at making tea.
I choose to add diabetes into my life and blend it. I choose to add myasthenia gravis into my life and blend it. I choose to add almost 14 years of cancer survival (YAY!) into my life and celebrate being alive. Life is for living and I am spectacular at living. Not despite all these things but with them blended into my life. I refuse to let anything as insignificant as cancer, or MG or diabetes diminish me or ruin my life. No matter what happens to me, I remain ME in it. I am a battle tested fighter and damn proud of every scar. I'm alive. Being alive is spectacular.
Click here to find out the one great thing other people do spectacularly.
ooh, i love the lemonade vs. tea analogy! very well said. :)
ReplyDeleteAlso love that analogy, and the great post you've got here Marie! Thanks for sharing this, and being who you are!!
ReplyDelete